Sitting in the Eye of the Storm With Nothing to Do But Wait and See

I've experienced a lot of feelings in my life. I've been happy, I've been depressed. I've been ecstatic, angry, and confused. But I think I can honestly say that I've never felt this feeling before. It's a strange feeling, one I haven't felt often, and one that I definitely don't have a name for, but I think I can describe it using the words, "I really feel like I should blog about this right now." God knows that thought has never crossed my mind, probably because this is the first time I've ever seriously had a blog.

Hipster problems, right?

I guess it's kind of a deeper feeling. One of those "life goes on and none of this actually matters" type things. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. But whatever I feel right now doesn't matter. I have words to say, and yes, there are actually words to describe these words.

Probably because they are words.

I'll start by giving you the basics of my life right now. I am currently faced with:

• An incredibly difficult, life-defining decision that I have previously blogged about.
• A situation in which I am very angry with two people whom I love very much, but that I cannot do anything about.
• Two somewhat difficult and creatively strenuous tasks that I must successfully complete by the end of next week.
• The knowledge that I could ruin somebody's life with a phone call that one could argue, and has argued, needs to be made.
• The knowledge that a friend of mine has made a difficult choice that will eventually lead to another friend of mine having to make a similar, but much more difficult choice, and that it's partially my fault.
• The anger associated with finally realizing who is actually to blame for these difficult choices
• The fear that one of my friends is trying to kill herself.
• The realization that we are one week away from the two-year-anniversary of the worst day of my life.
• An incredibly happy occasion, and the aftermath of one of the best days I've had in a long time.

It is on one of the days that I have been most excited to arrive that all of these things have come together as a conglomerate, and I really don't know how to feel. I could be depressed, I could be angry, I could be stressed and confused, but for some reason I'm simply calm. I don't know if that's, like, a sign of insanity or something, please don't tell me if it is, I don't want to know.

I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm. Everything's going crazy around me, and I'm just sitting here like, "oh hey, disaster." I'm watching turning points, breaking points, and tears roll down faces like raindrops, and there's barely anything I can do about any of it, except make it worse. On top of that, I have my own internal issues that I'd like to resolve before resolving anybody else's.

I'd like to take a moment to point out the lyrics to this song, and how it's kind of relevant to my life.

Tornado sirens are sounding now. It's like the world is confirming that whole storm theory. Sure, it's one o'clock on the first Saturday of April, and tornado sirens don't mean anything at this point in time, but I like to find meaning in things that don't actually have any meaning. It's one of those things I do.

And now I feel insignificant. I can't affect any of the things happening around me. All I can do is sit an watch them blow up in the faces of people I love. Sure, I could try, but with that comes the risk of making everything worse.

So I guess I should be stressed. But for some reason I'm not. Why could that be? Why in the world am I so calm? It's not because I'm apathetic- I care about these people and these things more than you can imagine. I guess it's because I can't do anything right now except for wait.

A year ago I would have been stressing myself to death because of all of this. I guess I've got my priorities straightened out since the drama-centers of my life abandoned me. I can't do anything right now, so what's the point of worrying about it? I'll do what I can when the opportunity presents itself, but in the meantime, it's not going to get to today. I'm not letting my mental health go today.

Today, I'm celebrating.

No crying, no anger, no complaining. This stress can wait until later, and I can bear through it then. And I think I have God to thank for helping me come to this conclusion. So thanks, God! You're the man.