Make The Internet Great Again

Clickbait. Lies. Inaccurate (but funny) meme. Clickbait. Clickbait. "Now This" video. Lies.

The big question: Which of these celebrities should we give the nukes to? The choice is yours. Pick your poison. Text A for Trump, B for Clinton, throw away your phone for Gary Johnson. It's American Idol, but Simon Cowell is Stephen Colbert, Randy Jackson is Al Sharpton, and Paula Abdul is Megyn Kelly. Y'all better be rehearsing, because one tiny mistake and the judges will rip you to shreds. But hey-- that's showbiz.

"You won't believe what Trump did today," said the websites giving him free advertising on the daily.
"I'm lying," Clinton lied.
"Free Candy!" said the sweet looking old man to the unsuspecting youth.
"I am the Zodiac Killer," said the actual Zodiac killer one time when he called into a TV show. It didn't sound like Ted Cruz. No southern Accent. I guess he could have been faking.

Let's all be educated and mature and intellectual and attempt to discredit a presidential candidate by spreading rumors that he killed a bunch of people in San Fransisco 40 years ago.

Open-minded -- Adj. -- A state of agreement with all of my viewpoints whenever I bring them up. ex/ Oh, you think that too? I'm so glad to have such an open-minded friend.

The presidential race: Currently black, but definitely white by this time next year.
The presidential race: If it were a bike race, you can be damn sure that either Johnson or Stein would be calling the shots by now.
The presidential race: I bet Barack Obama could outrun Nicolas Maduro.

This election is toxic waste, pouring out over the internet, infiltrating the pores of our Facebook profiles and leaving behind big ugly zits of what some call "education," but what I call "propaganda." There are two types of people: those who can tell the difference between information and propaganda, and those who believe they are educated.

Conservatives are assholes who are pretty okay with being assholes. Liberals are assholes who think they're the best damn thing to grace planet Earth. Who's worse? [no matter how much any of you may wish to argue one side or the other, there is no objective answer to this question. My apologies.]

"I don't support Bernie because I take issue with socialism."
"But Bernie isn't socialist! He's a DEMOCRATIC socialist!"
"What's the difference?"
"A Democratic socialist is when you vote for socialism."
What I've wanted to say in response every single time: How in the f^(% did you think that would convince me??
What I've actually said every time: "Ahhh, I see"

If you're the type of person who is going to throw people out of your life because you disagree with their politics, you need to seriously reevaluate your priorities. Seriously, sit down, turn off all of your electronics, and think, "Why am I like this?" for a while. Try to find a reason. Or, you know, keep being a total asshole.

The internet may be one of the best things that's ever happened to the world, but it is the absolute worst thing that happened to elections. Make the internet great again; stop posting about politics.

Nothing's Juicier than Undercooked Steak

A face illuminated only by the light of the screen before it. Eyes staring straight forward, unblinking, focused. Eyebrows scrunched, a slight frown, veins popping slightly from the arms as the fingers clickickickityclick across the keyboard. That's how I imagine the blogger. Fierce. Determined. And here I sit, leaning back on a couch, eyes glazed, typing at the pace of a turtle in no particular rush. The tortoise without a hare.

I see people blogging away their frustrations, painting the internet with harrowing details of the big bad world they're forced to endure, capping off their tirades with, "I just needed to get that off of my chest." They're the ones I see in that dark room with popping veins and determined focus, desperate to spread the gospel according to marx, or trump, or... whomever has been chosen as philosopher of the weak. And it's always this smug sense of personal satisfaction at the end, a round-about way of saying, "look at me and how enlightened I've become." The words lose meaning. Their writing has become an exercise in self-congratulation. Therapy, ready to broadcast.

I do not find writing therapeutic. To me, writing is a raw, loathsome, psychologically painful process. The work involved with identifying my emotions is bad enough, but to write is to give them organization. To write is to spell those emotions out with the sickening detail of an R-Rated slasher flick. Some people find pleasure in self-mutilation. I type.

Writing may be the salt of the Earth, but good writing is the salt of the wound. Let's face it, nobody gives a damn about why you agree with a politician. Nobody gives a damn about your day. Nobody is reading your blog for any reason other than the possibility that they will have an emotional reaction to what you are saying, and damnit you should give it to them. If you have something to say, don't wrap it up in pre-approved language with a self-righteous bow on top. Reach inside. Find an emotion. Articulate it in a way that only you know how to do. Do not tell me you are angry. Tell me your fingernails are drawing blood from your violently quivering palms.

The only thing you need to get off of your chest is your own fist, beating away. If you are writing to show off your own self-proclaimed enlightenment, give up. It's obvious. It isn't worth a second glance, let alone the first. Write to share your emotions with a world who will hate them for what they are: Raw meat in the restaurant that only serves medium-well.

They'll gobble it up, though. Nothing's juicier than undercooked steak.