Fast Food Etiquette Part 3: Aussie Fast Food, Ranked by an American

Fast Food: Is your greasy, little, guilty-pleasure, fake-meat and trans-fat stuffed sandwich a staple of American culture? Or is it a staple of the Western World as a whole? I, like many before me, believe the latter. Any society where a bright young chap with a ten dollar bill can treat himself to a hot, dripping burger or a spicy, over-sauced taco in less than 3 minutes is a society where the virtues of civilization have prevailed. Australia, down under as it may be, is on top of its fast food game. Today, follow me, as we explore the familiar, the exotic, and the delicacies of dirt-cheap fine dining down under.

10. Subway

"Hi, Can I get a footlong Spicy Italian?"
"...a footlong what?"

This was about the moment I realized that while the fast food chains surrounding me had familiar names, they would not have the same menus. I got really embarrassed, apologized, and then asked somebody else to go before me so that I could look at the menu and find out what Subway actually does serve in Australia. The nice thing, though, was that the sandwich-making method remained the same. Also, it was the only place in the country where I could use imperial measurements without somebody giving me side-eye and ranting about how screwed up America is for not using the metric system like *the rest of us* (I would usually nod and agree, yes 10s are easier to understand, no I did not pull "5280" out of my ass).

The Gem: The Pizza Sub, which is only my favorite menu item because it was the only one I ever ordered.

9. Macca's

Known abroad as "McDonald's."

Having experienced a different menu at Subway, and being familiar with the idea that McDonald's tends to conform its menu to the culture of the country it's in, I walked into Macca's excited to find out what surely-delicious and culturally important food I could order from them.

But nahh, the menu was almost exactly the same. Pity.

The Gem: "Create Your Taste," better known as "HOLY CRAP MACCA'S IS LETTING YOU BUILD YOUR OWN BURGER NOW!!" ...This fantastic reality is due in part to the widespread prevalence of electronic touchscreen ordering-kiosks in Australian McDonald's locations. So now that America is on it's "raise the minimum wage" kick, we'll probably have this one soon too. Somebody told me that they're already testing it at some American locations.

8. Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut in Australia tasted almost exactly like Pizza Hut in America. So I already know what you're thinking, "Gross," "That's gross," "Why would you even include it on this?"

Because if you ordered for pick-up online, you could get a large pepperoni deep dish pizza for AU$4.95, which, for those who haven't been thinking in conversion rates for the past five months, is less than four American dollars. That's why.

The Gem: The Four'N Twenty Stuffed Crust Pizza (pictured above). For those that don't know, Meat Pies are all the rage in Australia. Not as a fad or anything, they've been all the rage pretty much since the dinosaurs went extinct back in the 1890's. And if you're into Australian football, then they're quintessential. Anyway, for just about the best limited time offer to ever grace this Earth, Pizza Hut teamed up with hilariously named "Four'N Twenty Meat Pies" to create a UFO-shaped pizza with a crust stuffed to the brim with Wilbur, Sally, and all of your other favorite farm animals. The first time I got one, I ate the whole thing in one sitting.

7. Red Rooster

Possibly the only restaurant whose logo looks like a bird being spanked, Red Rooster is the first Australian-based fast-food joint on today's journey. Mostly because America does a damn good job of cultural imperialism, but also because it's the worst of Australian-based fast food. But I mean, like pizza, even if it's bad... it's still pretty good.

This restaurant is basically American KFC mixed with Boston Market. You'll understand why I specify "American" KFC a couple of entries down. But the gist is: Chicken sandwiches, chicken wraps, chicken legs, chicken breasts, whole chickens, and a multitude of side-dishes claiming to be home-made. The sandwiches were big, which I appreciated, but the price was too, which I did not appreciate.

The Gem: Uhh, Fried chicken. Of any kind. Is a gem. Duh.

6. Pretty much any Kebab place

Lies, lies, lies-- I never went to a Mr. Kebab. I did go to individually owned Kebab places all over the city (and country, tbh), though. Think "subway," but with a delicious, chunky-meat wrap instead of a sandwich pretending to be fresh and healthy. As one of my flatmates so elegantly and lovingly put it this semester, ".........Kebabs!"

The Gem: Lamb tastes really good in Australia. Like way better than Lamb in America. Maybe it's because they have so many of them. Or because they're really close to New Zealand... which has SO many of them.

5. KFC

One of my top ten favorite moments of this semester occurred while I was walking to KFC with some Australians. They were talking about how much they loved KFC (it's much more popular and widespread down under than up top) and I decided to ask, "Do any of you even know what Kentucky is?"
"...Is it a way of preparing chicken?"
"No, no, it's a city isn't it??"
"Wait-- is it in Louisiana??"
I still have no idea whether or not they were screwing with me.

The reason, I think, that KFC is so widespread in Australia is because the menu is completely different. They basically only sell chicken sandwiches. It's like a Chic-Fil-A, except you don't feel vaguely homophobic eating there (which is ironic as it is, because you're quite literally eating a cock). Also, they sell Mountain Dew in whatever their milliliter equivalent of a 20 ounce bottles is (I never bothered to pay attention. 650 maybe?), and that was always satisfying to me.

The Gem: The Zinger Chicken Taco. You see, Australia has this little problem that I like to call "Taco Bell Deprivation," because its citizens are deprived of Taco Bell (#ThanksAbbott). Australian KFC, which is owned by the same parent company as Taco Bell, is helping to cure this famine. Get this: Australian KFC is selling CHEESY GORDITA CRUNCHES with SPICY FRIED CHICKEN inside instead of fake beef. It is glorious. And it tastes just like Taco Bell.

4. Lord of the Fries

This place would be the Australian equivalent of an A&W restaurant, if people went to A&W for their crappy hot dogs and not their root beer floats. It's also the closest I was gonna get to Awesome fries in this country. You get these really thick, crunchy fries, and they have like 15 different sauces you can choose to put on top. My favorite? French Canadian sauce, which was just gravy and cheese.

I never had one of their burgers (I'm really not big on burgers, watch as I dispute that claim in the next entry), but their hot dogs were on point. I would pretty regularly get one with cheese, bacon, jalapeños and spicy ketchup. And they were long, which made the whole dining experience lenthy and filling.

The Gem: The Tijuana dog, which I just describe above. I could eat that for meal after meal, especially with the gravy fries. Just not the ...digestive stress.

3. Hungry Jack's

Known abroad as "Burger King."

"Wait, What??"
You heard me. Burger King is called Hungry Jack's down here. I don't know the specifics, but "Burger King" was already trademarked when it decided to expand to Australia. Personally, I like this name better. It makes me... hungry, I guess. Good for marketing.

It's a little known fact that Burger King tastes better than McDonald's back in America as well, but somehow, Hungry Jack's tastes better than Burger King. It's probably the fact that, unlike McDonalds, Hungry Jack's actually changed up their menu down under. Yeah, they've got whoppers, but they've also got stuff like "The Aussie," which has egg and beetroot on it (like just about every other Australian burger I ate), or the Peri-Peri-cheese burger, which I never actually tried, but have been told is "Like, literally the best."

The Gem: The Hashbrown Cheeseburger, which is exactly what it sounds like.

2. Guzman and Gomez

Imagine your life. Not bad right? Like it isn't the coolest life that's ever been lived, but it's definitely not mediocre either. You're in a good place. Things are looking up for the most part. You are loved.

Now imagine that life without Taco Bell, Chipotle, Q'Doba, or Pancheros.

That was my reality for the first couple of weeks I was here. No Mexican fast food in sight. I felt my life had no purpose, no direction. I told people I was "roughing it" because dammit it was just so rough. Without Mexican fast food, I was lost... and Guzman and Gomez was the light.

Tacos. Quesadillas. Nachos. Burritos! Churros! ENCHILADAS! CULTURALLY RELEVANT ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES! AND IT WAS FAST FOOD! My flatmates and I embarked on a string of bad eating-decisions after finding this place. Most of which was spicy. All of which was delicious.

The Gem: "Enchilada: Pick your favorite burrito, and we'll put cheese, guacamole, and sour cream on top!" (sorry for making you drool all over your favorite shirt, you should probably get that in the wash).

1. Pie Face

Coincidentally enough, I found out about this place on March 14th. Walking down the road, realizing that it was pie day, I asked my flatmate if we could stop in and grab a pie. He. Said. No. (Understandably too, we were running a bit late and the tram we needed wasn't even running. Stupid grand prix). That night though, I stopped in to grab on my way home. I was expecting, you know, like Grand Traverse Pie Company, like it would be full apple pies and maybe chocolate cream or pumpkin... you know, desert, right?

This is when I met the Australian Meat Pie.

Imagine a fast food place. A fast food place without a door. Basically a counter on the side of the street... selling freshly baked, hot, flakey, pie-shaped Hot Pockets. But Better.

I didn't know what I was getting myself into, that fateful march fourteenth. What would follow was a bittersweet love affair between man and pie, where the man would chomp away on a delicacy he knew he would be separated from indefinitely in just a few months' time. A few weeks' time. A few days' time. Tomorrow.

Wait what?
What?
What!?!?!?!???

I gotta get to pie face. I'm leaving tomorrow, I need one last Aussie meat pie.

The Gem: This store is a gem in itself. It is one of the things I will miss most about Australia, and something I hope desperately will appear in the United States at some point in my life.


But now that I'm coming home tomorrow, holy crap I cannot WAIT for Taco Bell.

Things I've Learned about America while Living in Australia

"Culture shock" is such a cliché, which is only part of the reason that I'm not going to use that term. Living in Australia hasn't been a culture shock, given its relative similarity to the United States. You know, when compared to like... Somalia or something. They aren't by any means the same, but there are a lot of similarities. When I first got here, the similarities between the US and Straya stood out a lot more than the differences. Hey, I could go to KFC and pick up a Mountain Dew, walk around the city or hail a taxi to get home. I bought some textbooks, walked to lecture, had a nice snack at the university union, and walked home. Friends and Big Bang Theory were on TV. Jurassic World was "coming soon to cinemas." I'm never more than a few minutes from a 7-Eleven. It was less of a culture shock, more of a "hey, everybody's talking with a different accent."

Culture shock? No. The real differences revealed themselves over time, until, finally, a couple of months in, there they were, staring me in the face, challenging me to think about how they compared to my own country and culture.

Here's a sampling of important things I've learned:

America is a police state. Our federal government spies on us. Our airports deem invasive measures necessities. Officers shoot people they could just as easily immobilize by tazing them. I can't even walk through my own neighborhood without being stopped, questioned, IDed, and searched if there's an officer there to witness it. I'll be the first to admit, while I'm in America, I am afraid of police officers. I am afraid of being stopped and accused of something that I didn't do simply because I am young and dress like a much more rebellious person than I am. Why am I afraid of this? Because it has happened to me multiple times. And I have the advantage of living in a community where an officer isn't going to pull a gun on me for making the wrong move-- an advantage that a lot of people throughout america do not have. And then, one day, I'm walking down the street in Melbourne, and I see a police officer standing next to a building. She looks up at me and I think, "Great, here comes the once over, she's gonna look at this beanie and flannel, and then come up to me, ask for my ID, ask where I'm headed, ask if I have any drugs in my pockets, ask to pat me down..." and as this situation was playing out in my head, the officer smiled at me, said "G'day!" and continued going about her business. ...This situation has played out in exactly the same way every single time I have seen a police officer in this country. I guess it's because here, police are actually meant to protect people, not just make money for the state. I'm honestly kind of dreading having to deal with it again when I get home.

High Fructose Corn Syrup has no excuse to exist. I don't mean to brag, but they use real sugar in this country, and things (soda/pop in particular) taste a heck of a lot better. One might say, "Alright, but HFCS is economically feasible because it's a byproduct of corn processing and therefore much less expensive." That's fantastic and all, but it kinda ignores the fact that HFCS is a known carcinogen and is highly addictive. A lot of people will discount those last two points if it's something with perceived benefits, like nicotine or tanning... but HFCS makes the product taste worse, so there isn't even that excuse. We shouldn't be putting up with the corner-cutting.

Sugar has no excuse to be in ketchup. All of that about HFCS being said, much less sugar is used in the food in this country. It's not in bread, or crackers, or ketchup, or really anything that isn't specifically sweet. And you know what? It doesn't need to be. Foods that aren't meant to be sweet taste just as good without sugar, and quite frankly, I'm pretty sure I owe that for some (if not all) of the weight I've lost here.

The drinking age really should be 18. When we talk about lowering the drinking age, people get defensive. We can't do that! People will start drinking even younger than they are now if that happens! We've gotta keep alcohol out of high schools! A lower drinking age, what a scandal! ...Except, hey, as pretty much everybody in the world knows, the legal drinking age has absolutely nothing to do with when people start drinking. Culture, on the other hand, does. Take America, for example. The drinking age is 21, yeah? And most of the people I know started drinking between 14 and 18, because high school parties happen, and everybody at least knows somebody with an older sibling (assuming they don't have one of their own). That's something that's just sort of part of American culture. Now let's take a look at Australia, where the drinking age is 18, and everybody I've asked has said they started drinking between 16 and 18. Did a lower drinking age put alcohol in the hands of high schoolers? The answer is: No more than it already does in America. We shouldn't have to wait to become an adult twice. Adults should be allowed to drink from the moment the state recognizes them as such.

The United States Dollar needs an update-- badly. Dollar bills are easily torn, easily copied, and practically get destroyed when they get wet. But these are just realities of having money, right? According to pretty much every other developed nation in the world: Wrong. Money here (and just about everywhere else these days) is waterproof, borderline indestructible, and is very specifically made to make counterfeiting damn near impossible. Different denominations are also different colors and lengths to make grabbing the right bill easier (with the added bonus of the "you can't pull the whole bleach a 5 and print a 20 on the paper so it passes the iodine test" thing). I looked into why the dollar bill hasn't joined the rest of the world in the future, and guess what I found out: the way it looks and feels now is "Classic." ...Yeah, that's literally the reason.

America exports more than you think... and imports less. They watch American TV. They watch American movies. They eat American fast food and shop at American stores. They drive American cars more than Americans do. That's not just Australia, either. Meeting other exchange students has taught me: that's the entire freaking world. But it's not like they just get everything from the states, they have their own media too. They have their own fast food, their own stores, their own everything. And how much of all of that makes its way to the United states? I'm rounding down a little bit here, but essentially none of it. It's a shame too, Americans are really missing out on some of this stuff (I'm looking at you, Pie Face).

America is beautiful. I know, I know, I'm in arguably the second most beautiful country in the world (just behind the one I'm visiting in three weeks), why am I talking about America? Here's why: America is comparable. Don't get me wrong, Australia is much better, and I'm not by any means calling America third, but... I keep seeing things and thinking "Oh, this reminds me of this place," or "this reminds me of that place," and now that I've taken the time to really appreciate how beautiful another country is, I keep realizing over and over that I have never truly appreciated how beautiful my own is. And now that I've experienced what real traveling is like... there's no way I'm gonna be able to stop myself from taking every opportunity to venture out appreciate that beauty when I come home.

This is by no means an exclusive list, and I'll probably realize a few more when I get home... but hey, it's definitely something to think about.