When I flip through you, the ink on your pages doesn't form words. They're bloodstains, covering the walls after a brutal fist fight. Scars nobody can see, hidden beneath the clothing. A river, winding and snaking through the canyon it sliced out of its path.
I never used you to practice my cursive, or to draw little hearts with some girl's name attached to "Smudski." It wasn't some autobiography, blankly documenting my day to day life. There was no war to frame my struggles, no massive societal uprising or change that would have someday seen you published in bookstores around the world. The Diary of JJ Smudski would be titled, "An Angry, Angry Child."
As I read back through these pages, I got emotional. I wanted to cry. I could remember the nights-- sleepless, of course-- that I would pick you up and scribble out my anger. At people. At the world. At myself. And I read what I wrote, angsty and distressed at age 9, age 13, age 17, and all between... and I wish I could respond.
I wish I could tell you things would get better.
I wish I could tell you that you'd make the friends you wanted.
I wish I could tell you to stay away from her.
I wish I could tell you how to stand up for yourself.
I wish I could tell you not to say those things.
I wish I could tell you the truth.
And all of a sudden, diary, you've given me a moment of utmost clarity. You see, today, when I opened you, I opened you to vent once more. I wasn't planning to read through you, but all of a sudden, there I was, sitting with myself in a seventh grade classroom, urging myself not to cry. There I was, playing basketball with my past, telling it not to sweat missing the three-pointer. There I was, whispering the perfect comebacks to insults thrown at me years ago.
Five years from now, I'll open this book, and I'll want to waste another page with anger. But maybe I'll read through, and I'll see this entry, and it'll calm me down.
Because things got better.
Things will get better.
And, future JJ Smudski, they'll get better for you too.
Don't run out of pages,
JJ Smudski
