What have I done!?

I love that sort of whiplash you get when a realization decides to body slam you from behind instead of slowly approaching to flirt for a bit before introducing itself.

The slow-building realization has its perks, sure. It gives you some time to adjust your worldview or make preparations for its implications – but it can be fatal for that same reason. When you don’t have to accept a realization right away, you can deny it, postpone it, or worse, justify invalidating it before reality takes hold. Who voluntarily changes their worldview? Who makes time to prepare for… anything?

That’s where the sudden realization comes in clutch. It forces you to adjust in the moment. There’s no room for denial, no time to procrastinate, nowhere to run. It may be painful in the moment, but you’ll be better off, long term. There’s no avoiding the truth.

This one hit me on New Year’s.

People were posting on the internet about their resolutions, or lack thereof. For a while now, I’ve been a member of the latter group: the lack thereofs. It’s not that I’m apathetic toward improving myself, and I’m certainly not one of those “I don’t subscribe to what everybody else is doing” types. Most of the time, I just already had goals. A new year’s resolution wouldn’t have been anything more than a reaffirmation of what I was already trying to achieve. So, I would typically just ignore the specifics and “resolve to have a better year.” Improving your life isn’t an annual event, I’d say, it’s an ongoing process, and you should make the necessary changes when the opportunities arise or set your goals year ‘round. That sort of thing.

It was during that thought process (this time around) that a little blip of a question popped up in my mind: What are my goals?

Smack. Whiplash. What? What are my goals!? Do I… Do I have any right now?

As somebody who has been extremely goal oriented for his entire life, the realization that I no longer had an active goal hit me like the #3 Grand River bus to Seven Mile as it ran a red light through Cass Avenue (the only difference being that I had time to jump out of the way when that happened in real life). How could this happen? What am I working toward? What is my direction? What have I done!? What am I doing with my life!?

Except, I was doing fine with my life. Things were great. What?

I decided to think back. I used to have goals galore! Real goals – not the fluff, like “read more books” or “lose three pounds.” I’m talking about the big, meaty, life-event-I’m-gunning-for goals. Ninth grade me wanted a leadership role at my youth group. Adolescent me wanted a drivers license. Post-ACT me was gunning for a top tier college. After that it was all, “get your life in order,” stuff – graduate on time, get an internship, get a job, move back out of my parents’ house…

…That was it. That was the last big goal. For years it seemed so distant and unattainable that I never bothered to think past it. Now that it’s done, I’m asking myself, “What’s next?” and for the first time in my life, I don’t have an answer. In theory, I could continue on exactly as I am, and I’d be fine.

That’s a scary thought – that I could, at this moment, choose to stop aiming higher and not suffer for it. That I don’t necessarily need to grow anymore, I could comfortably stay right here. If somebody had told me I’d be afraid of this thought a year ago, I’d have laughed at them. I’m ambitious! I’ve never been stagnant in my life, why would I start now? Now that question has an answer, though. It’ll sneak up on me. I’ll do it on accident. Just like I have been since I moved out of my parents’ house.

Whiplash.

I was searching for an answer. What’s my new goal? What’s next? I need something – anything – to work toward. It motivates me, fills me with passion, keeps me moving from day to day with fervor instead of sludge.

No big overarching goal came to mind. Instead: more realizations. I’d only cracked the dam, so far; The floodgates were about to open.

Smack! Almost all of my goals have been out of necessity. They were aligned in pursuit of self-sustenance, and, whoa, I’m pretty much there. What? Slam! Is that what a big goal is to me? Is that what it’s always been? Some sort of instinctual, keep-yourself-alive drive? Whack! It doesn’t have to be!

That one hit me harder than any of the others and left my brain ringing like a gong. For so long, I was brushing aside, “What do I want to do?” in favor of, “What should I do?”

It’s time to switch questions.

I want to read more. I want to lose some weight. I want to learn Italian, get better at snowboarding, and try out some new recipes. I want to learn how the stock market works and make a dumb investment. I want to write more. I want to find new music. I want to make some videos for me instead of for work. I want to travel, or camp, or sail, or try some stuff I’ve never done before. Like rock climbing or snowmobiling. Tennis, maybe, I don’t know!

When all of that started piling up, it began to look like another big goal (made up of, yes, basically New Year’s resolutions): Be happier; do you.

I’m glad it was a sudden realization. It was painful to realize, but I’ll be better off for it. Who knows how long I would have been stagnant if it had been the slow-building type?

Editor’s note: Did I use “comes in clutch” correctly in the third paragraph? I’ve never actually said that phrase out loud, so I’m a little rusty on the usage, but it seemed appropriate in that context. Really hoping I didn’t just look dumb on that one.