10. Subway
"Hi, Can I get a footlong Spicy Italian?"
"...a footlong what?"
This was about the moment I realized that while the fast food chains surrounding me had familiar names, they would not have the same menus. I got really embarrassed, apologized, and then asked somebody else to go before me so that I could look at the menu and find out what Subway actually does serve in Australia. The nice thing, though, was that the sandwich-making method remained the same. Also, it was the only place in the country where I could use imperial measurements without somebody giving me side-eye and ranting about how screwed up America is for not using the metric system like *the rest of us* (I would usually nod and agree, yes 10s are easier to understand, no I did not pull "5280" out of my ass).
The Gem: The Pizza Sub, which is only my favorite menu item because it was the only one I ever ordered.
9. Macca's
Known abroad as "McDonald's."
Having experienced a different menu at Subway, and being familiar with the idea that McDonald's tends to conform its menu to the culture of the country it's in, I walked into Macca's excited to find out what surely-delicious and culturally important food I could order from them.
But nahh, the menu was almost exactly the same. Pity.
The Gem: "Create Your Taste," better known as "HOLY CRAP MACCA'S IS LETTING YOU BUILD YOUR OWN BURGER NOW!!" ...This fantastic reality is due in part to the widespread prevalence of electronic touchscreen ordering-kiosks in Australian McDonald's locations. So now that America is on it's "raise the minimum wage" kick, we'll probably have this one soon too. Somebody told me that they're already testing it at some American locations.
8. Pizza Hut
Pizza Hut in Australia tasted almost exactly like Pizza Hut in America. So I already know what you're thinking, "Gross," "That's gross," "Why would you even include it on this?"
Because if you ordered for pick-up online, you could get a large pepperoni deep dish pizza for AU$4.95, which, for those who haven't been thinking in conversion rates for the past five months, is less than four American dollars. That's why.
The Gem: The Four'N Twenty Stuffed Crust Pizza (pictured above). For those that don't know, Meat Pies are all the rage in Australia. Not as a fad or anything, they've been all the rage pretty much since the dinosaurs went extinct back in the 1890's. And if you're into Australian football, then they're quintessential. Anyway, for just about the best limited time offer to ever grace this Earth, Pizza Hut teamed up with hilariously named "Four'N Twenty Meat Pies" to create a UFO-shaped pizza with a crust stuffed to the brim with Wilbur, Sally, and all of your other favorite farm animals. The first time I got one, I ate the whole thing in one sitting.
7. Red Rooster
Possibly the only restaurant whose logo looks like a bird being spanked, Red Rooster is the first Australian-based fast-food joint on today's journey. Mostly because America does a damn good job of cultural imperialism, but also because it's the worst of Australian-based fast food. But I mean, like pizza, even if it's bad... it's still pretty good.
This restaurant is basically American KFC mixed with Boston Market. You'll understand why I specify "American" KFC a couple of entries down. But the gist is: Chicken sandwiches, chicken wraps, chicken legs, chicken breasts, whole chickens, and a multitude of side-dishes claiming to be home-made. The sandwiches were big, which I appreciated, but the price was too, which I did not appreciate.
The Gem: Uhh, Fried chicken. Of any kind. Is a gem. Duh.
6. Pretty much any Kebab place
Lies, lies, lies-- I never went to a Mr. Kebab. I did go to individually owned Kebab places all over the city (and country, tbh), though. Think "subway," but with a delicious, chunky-meat wrap instead of a sandwich pretending to be fresh and healthy. As one of my flatmates so elegantly and lovingly put it this semester, ".........Kebabs!"
The Gem: Lamb tastes really good in Australia. Like way better than Lamb in America. Maybe it's because they have so many of them. Or because they're really close to New Zealand... which has SO many of them.
5. KFC
One of my top ten favorite moments of this semester occurred while I was walking to KFC with some Australians. They were talking about how much they loved KFC (it's much more popular and widespread down under than up top) and I decided to ask, "Do any of you even know what Kentucky is?"
"...Is it a way of preparing chicken?"
"No, no, it's a city isn't it??"
"Wait-- is it in Louisiana??"
I still have no idea whether or not they were screwing with me.
The reason, I think, that KFC is so widespread in Australia is because the menu is completely different. They basically only sell chicken sandwiches. It's like a Chic-Fil-A, except you don't feel vaguely homophobic eating there (which is ironic as it is, because you're quite literally eating a cock). Also, they sell Mountain Dew in whatever their milliliter equivalent of a 20 ounce bottles is (I never bothered to pay attention. 650 maybe?), and that was always satisfying to me.
The Gem: The Zinger Chicken Taco. You see, Australia has this little problem that I like to call "Taco Bell Deprivation," because its citizens are deprived of Taco Bell (#ThanksAbbott). Australian KFC, which is owned by the same parent company as Taco Bell, is helping to cure this famine. Get this: Australian KFC is selling CHEESY GORDITA CRUNCHES with SPICY FRIED CHICKEN inside instead of fake beef. It is glorious. And it tastes just like Taco Bell.
4. Lord of the Fries
This place would be the Australian equivalent of an A&W restaurant, if people went to A&W for their crappy hot dogs and not their root beer floats. It's also the closest I was gonna get to Awesome fries in this country. You get these really thick, crunchy fries, and they have like 15 different sauces you can choose to put on top. My favorite? French Canadian sauce, which was just gravy and cheese.
I never had one of their burgers (I'm really not big on burgers, watch as I dispute that claim in the next entry), but their hot dogs were on point. I would pretty regularly get one with cheese, bacon, jalapeños and spicy ketchup. And they were long, which made the whole dining experience lenthy and filling.
The Gem: The Tijuana dog, which I just describe above. I could eat that for meal after meal, especially with the gravy fries. Just not the ...digestive stress.
3. Hungry Jack's
Known abroad as "Burger King."
"Wait, What??"
You heard me. Burger King is called Hungry Jack's down here. I don't know the specifics, but "Burger King" was already trademarked when it decided to expand to Australia. Personally, I like this name better. It makes me... hungry, I guess. Good for marketing.
It's a little known fact that Burger King tastes better than McDonald's back in America as well, but somehow, Hungry Jack's tastes better than Burger King. It's probably the fact that, unlike McDonalds, Hungry Jack's actually changed up their menu down under. Yeah, they've got whoppers, but they've also got stuff like "The Aussie," which has egg and beetroot on it (like just about every other Australian burger I ate), or the Peri-Peri-cheese burger, which I never actually tried, but have been told is "Like, literally the best."
The Gem: The Hashbrown Cheeseburger, which is exactly what it sounds like.
2. Guzman and Gomez
Imagine your life. Not bad right? Like it isn't the coolest life that's ever been lived, but it's definitely not mediocre either. You're in a good place. Things are looking up for the most part. You are loved.
Now imagine that life without Taco Bell, Chipotle, Q'Doba, or Pancheros.
That was my reality for the first couple of weeks I was here. No Mexican fast food in sight. I felt my life had no purpose, no direction. I told people I was "roughing it" because dammit it was just so rough. Without Mexican fast food, I was lost... and Guzman and Gomez was the light.
Tacos. Quesadillas. Nachos. Burritos! Churros! ENCHILADAS! CULTURALLY RELEVANT ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES! AND IT WAS FAST FOOD! My flatmates and I embarked on a string of bad eating-decisions after finding this place. Most of which was spicy. All of which was delicious.
The Gem: "Enchilada: Pick your favorite burrito, and we'll put cheese, guacamole, and sour cream on top!" (sorry for making you drool all over your favorite shirt, you should probably get that in the wash).
1. Pie Face
Coincidentally enough, I found out about this place on March 14th. Walking down the road, realizing that it was pie day, I asked my flatmate if we could stop in and grab a pie. He. Said. No. (Understandably too, we were running a bit late and the tram we needed wasn't even running. Stupid grand prix). That night though, I stopped in to grab on my way home. I was expecting, you know, like Grand Traverse Pie Company, like it would be full apple pies and maybe chocolate cream or pumpkin... you know, desert, right?
This is when I met the Australian Meat Pie.
Imagine a fast food place. A fast food place without a door. Basically a counter on the side of the street... selling freshly baked, hot, flakey, pie-shaped Hot Pockets. But Better.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into, that fateful march fourteenth. What would follow was a bittersweet love affair between man and pie, where the man would chomp away on a delicacy he knew he would be separated from indefinitely in just a few months' time. A few weeks' time. A few days' time. Tomorrow.
Wait what?
What?
What!?!?!?!???
I gotta get to pie face. I'm leaving tomorrow, I need one last Aussie meat pie.
The Gem: This store is a gem in itself. It is one of the things I will miss most about Australia, and something I hope desperately will appear in the United States at some point in my life.
But now that I'm coming home tomorrow, holy crap I cannot WAIT for Taco Bell.
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