Fast-Food Etiquette, Part 1: A Response to My First Month at Work

Fast-food is annoying enough without customers. You may not realize this, but making your food "fast" is a difficult task. In my first month working at a certain fast food establishment that shall remain unnamed because this is a public blog and I am complaining about customers, I found out that there are some customer quirks that are actually really, really obnoxious, and I thought I'd let you know.

1. A combo is, universally, anywhere you go, the food you ordered, as well as fries and a drink. When you order a sandwich, and then order fries and a drink, we will ring it up as a combo, not only because it's easier, but because it saves the customer a couple of bucks. Some people, however, are apparently unaware of this terminology, and these people will rudely object when we reference the combo as we repeat their order back to them, like so: "NO! I do not want a combo, I want fries and a drink!" When this occurs, we'll smile, apologize, and ring everything up separately for you, gladly willing to let you pay the extra couple of bucks.
2. Yes, the drive-thru makes orders easier- when they're small. A large, complicated, thirty dollar order for several people is definitely something that requires walking inside. This isn't just to make it easier for us, it's to save YOU the frustration of us getting your thousand-mile long order incorrect. Those microphones are not very good, those speakers are even worse, and it's difficult to handle three bags of food and a drink-holder when you're strapped into a seat. Do us a favor, do yourself a favor, do everybody else in the drive-thru line a favor, if you're ordering for more than two or three people, go inside.
3. Don't be offended if the person working the drive-thru asks you to speak up. You didn't do anything wrong, our headsets just suck, and you'll be even more angry if we get your order wrong.
4. Don't scream at the drive-thru. Actually, I'm pretty sure there's a Dane Cook piece on this...
5. If you are handing the cashier any change, GIVE IT TO US BEFORE YOU GIVE US BILLS. We generally assume that people are going to round up a dollar or to the nearest easily accessible bill. We aren't expecting change, so make sure we know you're giving it to us. ESPECIALLY if you're at the drive-thru. We aren't going to come outside to pick up change that you dropped. The easiest way to overcome this issue? Say the words "Here's some change" before giving us your money.
6. Don't match the change. By which I mean, your order comes out to something like $3.85, and you give me a five dollar bill and then 85 cents. You may think you're making it "easier," but you're not. Really, you're not. It means more counting for us, and more typing for us. It just makes things take longer. NOTE: Exact change is perfectly fine. If the order is $3.85, and you give us $3.85, good for you! We like you! But if you're giving us the next bill up, just do that. ANOTHER NOTE: If you're doing this so that there isn't change in your pocket, let us know. A little bit of small talk is nice.
7. A little bit of small talk is nice. I decided that's good enough for it's own point.
8. Unless we're McDonalds, we aren't McDonalds. No, I cannot get you a Big Mac. No, we do not serve happy meals. What's that? They'd give you one at McDonalds? That's nice. There are two golden arches down the road if you're not going to order anything off of OUR menu.
9. Coke and Pepsi do not taste very different. Don't get pissed that we don't have your preference. Sierra Mist and Sprite taste exactly the same. Mountain Dew and Mellow Yellow taste exactly the same. Dr. Pepper and Root Beer are almost always options. I can understand being picky about food, but if you're that uptight about your drink, then just get a water.
10. DO NOT INSULT THE INTELLIGENCE OF FAST-FOOD EMPLOYEES. Not everybody goes into fast food because they "can't get a real job." Some people have been hurt by a recession and either need an extra job on the weekends or need some extra cash in-between jobs. Some people are just high-schoolers that can't get hired anywhere else, or college students who are home for the summer. Even the employees who ARE high-school drop-outs or something of that variety are smart enough to take offense, and they should NOT have to put up with being put down by a customer. In conclusion, don't tell me to "learn how to add in my head." I go to the University of Michigan. Statistics show that I'm probably getting a better education than you did. I can add in my head just fine (and, in fact, did add it correctly in my head. That doesn't mean I don't have to type it into the computer to freaking ring you up so the company has a record of it and I don't get written up, bitch. If you can't tell, I'm a little bit pissed a certain, particularly rude customer, though I'm not just talking about her. This applies to rude comments from anybody and to anybody.)

Altogether, I have learned a lot from my new job, so far. But one fact that I already knew has been endlessly reiterated.

People suck.

(But if you follow these ten simple guidelines, you can help me change that opinion!)